Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style: Understanding the Internal Push-Pull Dynamic

Anxious-avoidant attachment style—also called fearful-avoidant attachment—is a complex push-pull dynamic where you crave closeness yet fear the vulnerability it requires. This internal tug-of-war often stems from early caregiving that was both comforting and frightening, creating conflicting survival strategies in your nervous system. The result is an exhausting cycle of pursuit and withdrawal in relationships that can leave you—and your partners—feeling confused and drained. Understanding this pattern is the first step toward integration, earned security, and relationships that feel both safe and deeply connected.

When most people learn about attachment styles, they expect to fall neatly into one category. But what happens when you recognize yourself in both anxious attachment style patterns and avoidant behaviors? This internal contradiction isn't a sign that attachment theory doesn't apply to you—it's a well-documented pattern called anxious-avoidant attachment style, also known as fearful-avoidant attachment.

This mixed attachment style affects approximately 5-10% of the population, yet it remains one of the most misunderstood attachment patterns. Unlike secure attachment, where emotional needs are met consistently, or even single insecure styles that follow predictable patterns, anxious-avoidant attachment creates an exhausting internal battle between craving closeness and simultaneously fearing it.

In my 24 years of working with trauma and attachment patterns, I've seen how this dual insecure attachment creates some of the most confusing relationship experiences. Clients often come to me asking, "Can you have an anxious and avoidant attachment style?" The answer is absolutely yes—and understanding this pattern is crucial for creating lasting change.

Understanding Anxious-Avoidant Attachment

What Is Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style?

The anxious-avoidant attachment style represents a complex pattern where individuals simultaneously experience both the hyperactivation of the anxious system and the deactivation strategies of avoidant attachment. This creates what researchers call "disorganized attachment", a state where the attachment system becomes confused about whether to seek comfort or create distance.

People with this attachment pattern want close relationships but fear the vulnerability that comes with them. They may pursue someone intensely, then pull away when that person reciprocates interest. This isn't manipulation or game-playing; it's a genuine neurobiological response rooted in early childhood experiences.

This fearful-avoidant attachment pattern often leaves people wondering, "Why do I have an anxious avoidant attachment style?" The answer lies in specific childhood experiences that created contradictory survival strategies.

What Causes Anxious Avoidant Attachment Style?

The anxious-avoidant attachment style typically develops when children experience what attachment researchers call "frightening or frightened" caregiving¹. This occurs when the primary caregiver becomes both a source of comfort and a source of fear, creating an unsolvable dilemma for the child's developing nervous system.

Through my work with The Metamorphosis Method™, I've identified that this dual pattern often emerges when multiple core wounds are activated simultaneously during early development:

Birth Story Wound Activation: When the entry into the world involves trauma or stress, it creates a foundational pattern of simultaneously needing help and fearing dependency.

Mother Wound Complexity: Inconsistent maternal availability creates both a desperate need for nurturing and the terror of that vulnerability being exploited or withdrawn.

Father Wound Impact: Unpredictable paternal presence creates confusion about safety, authority, and worthiness of protection.

Sibling Wound Patterns: Competition for limited emotional resources creates both an intense need for connection and fear of being displaced.

Unlike children who develop purely anxious or avoidant styles, those who develop anxious-avoidant patterns couldn't settle on a single survival strategy. Their nervous systems learned to seek connection and prepare for rejection simultaneously.

Can You Be Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Style? The Internal Reality

This is one of the most common questions I hear: "Can you be anxious and avoidant attachment style?" Not only is it possible, but this avoidant-anxious relationship pattern creates some of the most intense internal experiences.

The Push-Pull Dynamic in Relationships

The hallmark of this attachment style, anxious avoidant, is the push-pull relationship dynamic. This emotional unpredictability shows up as:

Pursuing Behaviors (Anxious Side):

• Intense initial attraction to potential partners

• Hypervigilance to signs of rejection or abandonment

• Difficulty tolerating space or independence in relationships

• Tendency to over-analyze interactions and communication

• Strong emotional reactions to perceived slights or distance

Distancing Behaviors (Avoidant Side):

• Sudden withdrawal when relationships become "too real"

• Discomfort with sustained intimacy or vulnerability

• Tendency to find fault with partners when things get serious

• Creating conflict as a way to maintain emotional distance

• Difficulty with commitment or future planning

The Internal Emotional Experience

What makes this anxious-avoidant attachment style particularly challenging is the internal experience. Unlike those with purely anxious or avoidant styles, individuals with this pattern often feel confused by their reactions. In my practice, clients frequently express thoughts like:

"Why do I want this relationship so badly but then feel trapped when I have it?" "Why do I miss them intensely but feel overwhelmed when we're together?" "Why do I crave emotional intimacy but shut down when someone gets too close?"

This internal conflict isn't a character flaw; it's the natural result of a nervous system that learned contradictory survival strategies during critical developmental periods. The inconsistent attachment behavior stems from genuine neurobiological confusion about safety in relationships.

Signs of Anxious Avoidant Attachment Style

Recognizing the anxious-avoidant attachment style traits requires understanding how both systems can be active simultaneously or in rapid succession:

Simultaneous Activation Signs

• Feeling both abandoned and suffocated in the same relationship moment

• Wanting reassurance while simultaneously pushing it away

• Experiencing both fear of being alone and fear of being too close

• Feeling overwhelmed by the partner's presence yet anxious when they're absent

Cycling Pattern Indicators

• Intense relationship beginnings followed by gradual withdrawal

• Periods of emotional openness alternating with complete shutdown

• Seeking conflict when relationships feel "too good"

• Pattern of ending relationships right before they could become truly committed

Daily Life Manifestations

• Difficulty making decisions about relationship commitment

• Overthinking combined with emotional numbing

• Social anxiety mixed with isolation preferences

• Career patterns that mirror relationship push-pull dynamics

Anxious Attachment Style Symptoms in the Mixed Pattern

When the fear of abandonment component is activated in this mixed pattern, individuals experience intensified symptoms because they're fighting against the avoidant system's desire for distance:

• Racing thoughts about relationship security that feel impossible to calm

• Physical symptoms of anxiety when partners are unavailable, followed by panic when they return

• Tendency to catastrophize everyday relationship challenges while simultaneously preparing to flee

• Difficulty self-soothing during periods of relationship uncertainty

• Hyper-focus on partner's moods and behaviors, combined with sudden emotional detachment

These anxious attachment markers become particularly intense because they're fighting against the avoidant system's desire to create distance for safety.

How Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles Interact

Understanding how anxious and avoidant attachment styles interact within one person reveals the complexity of this pattern:

The Competing Systems

The anxious system says: "Stay close, get reassurance, don't let them leave." The avoidant system says: "Create distance, maintain independence, don't get too vulnerable."

When both systems are active, it creates what I call "intimacy conflict", a state where every relationship interaction triggers competing survival responses.

Hypervigilance to Multiple Threats

Both systems share a heightened sensitivity to relationship threats, but they interpret different things as threatening. The anxious side fears abandonment, while the avoidant side fears engulfment. This double-layer of threat detection keeps the nervous system constantly activated.

The Protective Function

It's important to understand that this avoidant and emotional hunger attachment developed as protection. The anxious side tries to prevent abandonment, while the avoidant side tries to avoid the pain of vulnerability. Both systems are attempting to keep you safe—they're just working at cross-purposes.

Anxious Attachment Style in Relationships: The Mixed Pattern Challenge

Dating with anxious attachment becomes exponentially more complex when combined with avoidant tendencies. Partners often feel confused by the inconsistent signals:

• Intense pursuit followed by sudden emotional unavailability

• Deep sharing followed by walls going up instantly

• Expressions of love followed by behaviors that create distance

• Requests for reassurance followed by rejection of that reassurance when offered

This pattern can be particularly challenging for partners who have attachment insecurities. However, a securely attached partner may be able to provide the consistency needed to help regulate the anxious-avoidant system over time.

The Dating Cycle

People with this anxious/avoidant attachment style often experience a predictable dating cycle:

1. Intense attraction and pursuit phase

2. Anxiety when the person shows a genuine interest

3. Withdrawal or sabotage as intimacy increases

4. Regret and renewed pursuit once distance is created

5. Confusion about what they want

Anxious Attachment Style in Friendships and Other Relationships

The anxious-avoidant pattern doesn't only affect romantic relationships. Social insecurity combined with avoidant tendencies can create:

• Difficulty maintaining consistent friendships over time

• Tendency to have intense friendships that burn out quickly

• Discomfort with both emotional distance and emotional intimacy in platonic relationships

• Confusion about appropriate boundaries in friendships

• Pattern of being the "therapist friend" then suddenly becoming unavailable

This anxious dismissive attachment style may also show up in professional relationships, family dynamics, and even the relationship with oneself.

The Neurobiological Reality

Recent neuroscience research has revealed that this mixed attachment pattern creates measurable changes in brain structure and function². The areas of the brain responsible for threat detection (amygdala) show heightened activity, while areas responsible for emotional regulation (prefrontal cortex) show decreased connectivity.

This isn't a psychological weakness; it's the brain's adaptation to early relationship experiences. Understanding this neurobiological reality can reduce self-judgment and increase compassion for the genuine difficulty of changing these patterns.

Is Anxious Avoidant an Attachment Style? Professional Recognition

Many people ask, "Is anxious avoidant an attachment style?" While traditional attachment theory focused on four primary categories, modern research recognizes that individuals can exhibit characteristics of multiple styles, particularly when early trauma creates complex survival strategies.

This recognition has been crucial in my development of The Metamorphosis Method™, which addresses the reality that healing often requires working with multiple wound patterns simultaneously rather than focusing on single attachment categories.

How to Fix Anxious Attachment Style When It's Mixed with Avoidance

Fixing insecure attachment style becomes more complex when avoidant patterns are also present, but transformation is possible. The approach must address both systems while recognizing their protective function.

Understanding the Source

Real change begins with understanding that this isn't a personality quirk, it's a trauma response. The Metamorphosis Method™ approaches this by addressing the specific childhood wounds that created these competing systems:

• Birth Story Integration: Working with how early trauma created simultaneous needs for connection and self-protection

• Mother Wound Healing: Addressing the conflicted relationship with receiving care and nurturing

• Father Wound Resolution: Healing patterns around safety, authority, and worthiness

• Sibling Wound Clearing: Resolving competition patterns that create relationship anxiety

Nervous System Regulation

Both anxious and avoidant activation stem from nervous system dysregulation. My specialized breathwork techniques help create the internal stability needed to make conscious choices rather than reacting from wound patterns.

The breathwork component of The Metamorphosis Method™ is specifically designed to:

• Access the subconscious mind where these competing patterns are stored

• Release the physical tension that maintains both anxious and avoidant responses

• Create new neural pathways for secure attachment behaviors

• Provide tools for real-time regulation during relationship triggers

How to Fix Anxious Attachment Style in Relationships with Avoidant Components

How to feel safe with a partner when you have anxious attachment when avoidant patterns are also present requires understanding that this isn't about "fixing" yourself—it's about integration and conscious choice.

The Metamorphosis Approach

The Metamorphosis Method™ digital program addresses this complex pattern through three core components:

Trauma-Clearing Tools: Precise identification of which childhood experiences created the competing attachment systems, followed by targeted healing that doesn't require re-experiencing the original trauma.

Revolutionary Breathwork: Specialized breathwork sessions designed to work with both hyperactivation and deactivation patterns, creating space for authentic connection without overwhelming the system.

Practical Energy Work: Simple yet powerful techniques that help you recognize when each system is activated and consciously choose your response rather than defaulting to old patterns.

Integration Rather Than Elimination

The goal isn't to eliminate your sensitivity or protective instincts. Instead, it's about creating enough internal safety that you can choose when to move toward connection and when to maintain healthy boundaries—without the constant internal battle.

Working Through the Four Core Wounds

In my experience, anxious-avoidant patterns almost always involve multiple core wounds activated simultaneously. The Metamorphosis Method™ addresses this reality by working with:

Birth Story Wound in Mixed Attachment

When birth trauma combines with later attachment injuries, it creates a foundational pattern of simultaneously needing help and fearing dependency. Healing this wound helps individuals feel safe with both autonomy and interdependence.

Mother Wound Complexity

The mother wound in anxious-avoidant patterns often involves what I call "inconsistent maternal mirroring"—sometimes being seen and valued, being ignored, or criticized. This creates both a desperate need for nurturing and the terror of that vulnerability being exploited.

Father Wound Integration

Father wound patterns create confusion about personal power within relationships. There may be alternating patterns of seeking approval and rebelling against perceived control, making it difficult to trust one's judgment about relationship safety.

Sibling Wound Resolution

Competition for limited emotional resources creates both an intense need for connection and fear of being displaced. This wound often shows up as difficulty celebrating partners' successes or fear that love is a zero-sum game.

The Path to Earned Security

While anxious-avoidant attachment creates genuine challenges, it's crucial to understand that attachment styles aren't permanent sentences. Through conscious work with proven methodologies, individuals can develop what researchers call "earned security"—the ability to form healthy attachments regardless of early experiences.

This process isn't about becoming someone else or eliminating your depth of feeling. It's about integrating the protective strategies your younger self developed while learning new ways of relating that serve your adult life.

The Role of Precision in Healing

One of the reasons traditional approaches often fall short with anxious-avoidant patterns is that they try to address symptoms rather than root causes. The Metamorphosis Method™ uses precise identification tools to pinpoint precisely which wounds are creating the internal conflict, allowing for targeted healing rather than years of general therapy.

Creating Internal Coherence

The ultimate goal is internal coherence—a state where your attachment system can assess each relationship situation clearly and respond appropriately, rather than being caught in the confusion of competing survival strategies.

Real Client Transformation: Sarah's Story

Sarah came to me after years of confused relationship patterns. She'd been told she had commitment issues, but she knew that wasn't the whole truth. She desperately wanted lasting love but consistently sabotaged relationships just as they were becoming serious.

Through The Metamorphosis Method™, we identified that her birth story involved medical trauma that required her mother to be separated from her for the first weeks of life. This created a foundational pattern of simultaneously needing connection and preparing for abandonment.

Additionally, her mother struggled with postpartum depression, creating inconsistent emotional availability during critical bonding periods. Her father, well-meaning but overwhelmed, alternated between being overly protective and completely absent.

Within six months of working with the trauma-clearing tools, conscious breathing exercises, and energy techniques, Sarah was able to stay present during relationship triggers rather than automatically pushing away or desperately clinging. She's now in a committed relationship and recently got engaged—something she never thought would be possible.

Moving Forward with Compassion and Clarity

If you recognize yourself in this description of anxious-avoidant attachment, the most important thing to remember is that your patterns make perfect sense given your early experiences. You're not broken, demanding, or asking for too much from relationships.

The internal push-pull dynamic represents your younger self's creative solution to an impossible situation. The anxious system developed to prevent abandonment, while the avoidant system developed to avoid the pain of vulnerability. Both were trying to keep you safe.

Now, as an adult, you have the opportunity to develop new relationship strategies that honor both your need for connection and your need for safety—without the internal war.

Why Traditional Approaches Often Fall Short

Many therapeutic approaches try to work with anxious or avoidant patterns separately, but this misses the complexity of the anxious-avoidant experience. You can't heal half an attachment system.

The Metamorphosis Method™ was specifically designed to address this complexity by:

• Working with multiple core wounds simultaneously

• Addressing patterns at their neurobiological source through breathwork

• Providing practical tools for navigating triggers in real-time

• Creating lasting change rather than temporary symptom management

Your Next Steps

Change is possible, but it requires understanding the specific wounds that created your particular pattern. The Metamorphosis Method™ digital program provides the comprehensive approach needed for this level of transformation.

Remember, understanding your attachment pattern is the first step toward creating the secure, fulfilling relationships you've always wanted. Your awareness itself is the beginning of transformation.

The goal isn't to become someone else—it's to become more fully yourself, with the capacity to engage in relationships that truly nourish you without the constant internal battle. You deserve love that feels safe, and with the right approach, that's absolutely possible.

FAQ

What is anxious-avoidant attachment style?

It’s a mixed attachment pattern combining the anxious need for closeness with the avoidant need for distance, often creating a push-pull dynamic in relationships.

What causes anxious-avoidant attachment style?

It usually develops from “frightening or frightened” caregiving in childhood, where a caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear, creating contradictory survival responses.

What are common signs of anxious-avoidant attachment?

Intense pursuit followed by sudden withdrawal, fear of both abandonment and engulfment, inconsistent emotional availability, and difficulty committing.

Can you be both anxious and avoidant at the same time?

Yes. These systems can activate together or in rapid succession, creating inner conflict and unpredictable relationship behaviors.

How does this attachment style affect romantic relationships?

It can cause partners to feel confused by mixed signals—deep connection and affection followed by distance, avoidance, or sudden conflict.

Can anxious-avoidant attachment be healed?

Yes. Healing requires integrating both sides of the pattern, addressing root wounds, regulating the nervous system, and practicing secure attachment behaviors.

How can partners support someone with this attachment style?

By offering consistent communication, maintaining healthy boundaries, and encouraging trauma-informed healing approaches without shaming their patterns.

References

1. Main, M., & Hesse, E. (1990). Parents' unresolved traumatic experiences are related to infant disorganized attachment status. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, & E. M. Cummings (Eds.), Attachment in the preschool years (pp. 161-182).

2. Buchheim, A., Heinrichs, M., George, C., Pokorny, D., Koops, E., Henningsen, P., ... & Gündel, H. (2009). Oxytocin enhances the experience of attachment security. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 34(9), 1417-1422.